boxes
by PrinceAndrew
Summary: Dan decides to throw everything out that remind him of Diana. Warning for self harm mention


drew F.

Beep beep beep. The alarm clock sounded off. He used to hate the horrible noise in the morning, breaking him from his only quiet time. The time of no doctors or medication, no daughter screaming about how much of a sucky life she had. It was him and his thoughts, alone. But this morning was different, infact, the whole night was different. The bed that once housed two people only housed one. The ten minutes it took for him to fall asleep never came. The whole night he just stared at the clock, watching the numbers change little by little. He didn't hear anything but the creaky floorboards of the old house move up and down. He would have loved this bliss two days ago, but now that Diana left, he loathed it.

He forced himself to get up, and drag himself to a the bathroom. The cabinet mirror was open, Diana took pretty much everything out. The aspirin, cough syrup, the fancy face creme Natalie really liked, and her pills, all 23 bottles. He closed the small cabinet door, and looked at himself in the mirror. Dan placed his hands on the edge of the sink, leaning in slightly. He already had a gray streak in the quiff of his hair, the bags under his eyes seemed darker than they usually were, and over all he just looked so tired and broken. His eyes traveled down to the corner of the sink. Blood still splattered on the side- he forgot to clean it up on that day-well he forgot to clean it up from 6 weeks ago. The day Diana tried to kill herself. It all seemed so blurry now-but he just remembered her voice call out for him, and the hard thud he heard. It seemed like that day was so simple, it was a Sunday, or was it a Saturday? Maybe a Monday? No, he wasn't at work- so it was a weekend. He was just sitting in the living room, reading the paper. Nat had gone with the weird boy he met at the disastrous dinner. (Was his name Harry? Harris? Harvey? No, Henry, the stoner one.) He remembered the rush he felt as he ran up the stairs, Him screaming at her, begging her to respond. The noise he made, seeing his wife-well ex-wife on the floor, sitting in her own pool of blood was a mix of pain and fear.

Dan turned away, he put his head in his hands. A hand went over his shoulder. "Natalie, I'm fine." He muttered, thinking it was his daughter.

"Try again dad."

Dan froze. It wasn't Natalie, It was him. Gabe. His dead son. The son whom Diana hallucinated for years. "Could you leave me alone for once in my life." Dan snapped. He wanted to be alone alone. No ghosts.

"Are you still going to act like I'm not here?" Gabe snapped,

folding his arms.

"Uh, because you're not? Diana just made you up."

Dan lifted his head up. Gabe was in the mirror, he was tall, taller than Dan. He had blonde hair and icy blue eyes like his mother. He wore a purple shirt and faded jeans.

"Gee, I show a little pity and you tell me to go away? Why do you hate me?" Gabe inquired. Dan turned around to face him,

"Because you ruined my life!" he yelled.

Damnit, Natalie heard that. He spun back around, and splashed his face with water. Gabe was thankfully gone. He sighed, rubbed his right eye and stalked out of the bathroom.

"Dad, you ok?" Natalie was standing outside of the door. Dan's shoulders sunk a little. "Yes, just talking to someone on the phone."

His daughter seemed worried. She still had PJ's on, she was wearing one of the boy's sweatshirts, it reeked of pot. her brown curly hair was done up in a messy bun, and she had a pair of old flannel pants on.

"Don't worry about me, Nat."

Natalie rolled her eyes at her father.

"I'm fine. What's your plan for today anyways?" Dan tried to change the subject.

"Uhh Henry's coming over, that's about it." She shrugged.

Dan didn't hate Henry, Dan just didn't like the idea of Henry. Some stoner teenager feeling his daughter up? No thank you.

"Well have fun, but not too much fun." Dan said.

"Dad!" Natalie yelled embarrassed as she walked back to her room.

Dan looked back into the bathroom. He was gone. good. He went back into his room, and got dressed. He put on his pair of khakis, his white button up. He opened his drawer for a tie. He had two, the black one and sailboat one. The sailboat one was Diana's favorite, he'd always wear it. It was tacky, yes. It was red with multi colored sailboats going in lines across the tie from front to bottom. He had gotten it most likely from his father as a teenager. Dan wore it on the first date with Diana, it was the only tie he wore unless it was called for. But did he like the tie? No, well maybe. He didn't know. We liked it because Diana liked it. So he wore his black tie. It matched much better anyways with his navy vest anyways. He headed down stairs, into the kitchen.

The kitchen was pretty bland. The walls were grey-blue with a line of yellow tiles going wall to wall. The oven was next to the fridge, a coffee cup sat on the control panel bar. It was Diana's favorite mug. The one Natalie made for her in 2nd grade, it was a purple mug with poorly drawn on flowers, and "MOM" crudely drawn on the front. Why was everything that reminded him of Diana everywhere? He put the mug in the dishwasher. The fridge was pretty bare, he had to go to the store anyways. There was the half stick of butter, some jelly, little bit of milk and some leftover cake from gabe's birthday. He met Henry that night, a scruffy blonde kid with a 'Nirvana' shirt and jacket on. He had two earrings on each ear, and his eyes were still red from the last time he had smoked. He seemed like a nice kid, but not someone he'd like his daughter to date. But he made her happy for now. Henry liked her family, and was respectful to them upon meeting atleast. But the dinner was a horrible way to be introduced to this family. The day was going perfect, the dinner was perfect, until...the cake came out. Was it Natalie's birthday? No, he would have remembered, she wanted a car. Henry's? Maybe? No. Gabes. The dead son, of course. Natalie freaked out, and dragged Henry upstairs. He felt bad for the kid, he had no idea what he got himself into. Dan took the cake over to the trash.

"Hey, I want that later." A voice called.

Gabe. Dan hung his head back and groaned .

"Yea, well I want my wife back."

"Also, ghosts don't eat cake" he added coldly.

Gabe seem offended. Good.

"I am HARDLY a ghost, dad! I am a vision created by your ex- wife and my mom."

The 'ex-wife' dug hard. But again, it was just a stupid vision he was having, most likely from lack of sleep.

"Well, you can get it from the trash later, but like i said, Diana left yesterday. So..you can go do whatever now."

Dan chucked the cake into the trash.

"What do I have to do to get rid of you, throw up everything that Diana liked?"

That wasn't a bad idea actually. It worked with gabe- well the second time. So why not try?

"Natalie!"

"WHAT!" She screamed back.

"I'm throwing everything away that reminds me of your mother!"

"YEA WHATEVER."

She was talking to Henry on the phone most likely, not paying any mind to what he was saying.

Dan took a box and ran upstairs. He removed her bedside drawer and dumped whatever was left in there, he threw the sailboat tie, and the picture of her and her mom. It was a poor picture, bad lighting, broccoli in Diana's mothers teeth. He forgot where they were. Maybe a restaurant on holiday? Who knew, it was being thrown out anyways.

"Hey, I liked that picture!" Dan groaned. He never gives up does he?

"Well, I liked my marriage, and you ruined it."

Did Diana leave any of her pills? Most likely not.

"Leave me alone, I'm not going crazy today." Dan turned around and walked out of the room. To his dismay, Gabe followed.

"Well, you kinda ruined it yourself." Gabe shrugged. "I mean, when was the last time you two went out on a date anyways?"

"Every time I took your mother out she would freak out, get up kicked out and I'd feel bad."

Dan didn't look back. Why was he talking to him? It was just going to get worse. Was it like this for Diana? Did he keep baiting her? Well if it did, it wasn't going to happen to him. He continued to walk down the stairs, removing the photo's on the wall. Them at santa fe, them in college, Them on Valentine's day, none of the pictures mattered, they were just memories. Memories of a girl he knew once. He traveled into the family room, it was was a large room with three windows. Natalie's piano was tucked next to one of the bigger ones out looking the porch. There was a grey couch in the middle of a brown arm chair and a leather arm chair, aka Dan's chair. Diana's copy of 'fifty shades of grey' sat on the coffee table. What was that even about?

"Natalie!" He heard her door open.

"Yea dad?"

"What's fifty shades of grey about?"

"The sex life mom wanted" ouch. Into the box it went.

More stuff went into the box. The flower pot Dan got for her, their wedding album, more pictures, and the newton's cradle. He looked around the livingroom. It seemed so-bare. Like someone took all the character out of the room. Dan shook his head. She was gone, there was no point of keeping this for the rest of his life. But maybe Natalie wanted to keep it all. Maybe Throwing this all away wouldn't help. Maybe Diana was coming back- no. She was never going to come back. She wouldn't had left if she couldn't go on her own. Or was it Dan who couldn't go on his own? Or was he just overthinking this. Most likely. He was getting too emotional, so he moved on to the kitchen.

There wasn't much in there he COULD throw out- he could eat it, but Natalie and her boyfriend most likely could anyways. He could throw the cup away, but Nat would kill him. So he took the nasty apple pie coffee beans Di loved and threw it in with the rest of the junk.

"That was a good toss."

Dan felt the vein in his neck pop.

"Can you go away?!" He grabbed the bottle of windex and pivoted to see his 'son' and sprayed a few times.

"H-hey!"

Gabe gagged, shielding his face.

"You can't do that to your son!" He cried out.

"Good thing you aren't." Dan said, squirting him one more time.

He was not going to deal with this, not today. He walked past Gabe and up to his study. It was a small room that overlooked the yard. It had a cluttered desk of bills, papers, sticky notes with reminders of "doctor on sunday' or 'bills due 1/22/10 and one small picture of him, Diana, and Gabe as a baby. The center of the desk held a small desktop. There was a side desk holding his desktop tablet, one of those fancy ones that you can draw directly on the screen with. A bookshelf stood at the end of the room, it was cluttered with family albums, his Hebrew books, and a lot of books on building. A lazy susan rested to the left of the shelf.

He went over to his desk and removed most of the sticky notes. Most were outdated, others were about Diana. He took the family photo albums, plucking pictures of Diana, Diana and him, Diana and Gabe out. They all were dumped into the box. He stood up to head out of the room, until he saw the picture. The three of them. Him, Diana, and Gabe all together. He walked over to the picture, staring at it. He remembered that day. It was october, almost Halloween. Gabe spoke his first word, 'Dammit' he took after his mother. They were in the park, he loved that park. He stared at the picture for minutes. He felt tears start to form in his eyes. Why was he doing this? Why was he trying to throw away his wife and son? He whipped his eyes, he knew that stupid ghost version of his son was behind him, he knew it. All of this was interrupted by a loud crash outside.

Dan pushed the window open the window was below Natalie's room, he looked down to see Henry. He kicked a trashcan over, this legs were flailing like crazy trying to slip in the window. Dan frowned.

"Henry! We have a front door!" Dan yelled below.

This clearly startled him, causing him to fall out the window.

"Sorry !" The teenager called out, before running to the other side of the house.

Dan rolled his eyes. Maybe the boy wasn't the brightest, but at least he was respectful. He was very tempted to yell "No smoking weed!" Because Natalie's room reeked of it. But, Natalie would have killed him. He put the picture back on his desk. Maybe he could edit this picture later. He headed downstairs, to see Henry again. He was in a red t-shirt and cargo shorts. He looked better than the last time Dan saw him.

"Hello Mr. Goodman!" Henry greeted him nervously.

"What's in the box?" He pointed to the big box in Dan held.

"Well it's um- spring cleaning."

"Isn't it November?"

"Winter clean out" Dan gave a forced smile. Henry Peered in the box.

"Gee, that's a lot of personal stuff. Hey! Could I take the coffee beans if you don't mind."

"Go for it." Dan shrugged.

"Thanks mr Goodman! Feel better and all!" Henry ran up the stairs.

Dan stood on the step, listening to Henry rave about his coffee beans. He smiled, Dan remembered being like that. Young, stupid, happy. He remembered how dramatic Diana was, how she'd freak at the smallest things. He remembered how Diana would go on and on about how she hated draft beer, but also hated canned beer. Or how she refused to go to a play with him because it required black shoes and the ones she had didn't match. Dan remembered saying how "It doesn't matter anyways, no one can see your feet" and then a shoe getting thrown at him. He liked Henry's efforts to make his daughter happy, something he'd been trying for years.

"You like him? I don't" Gabe scoffed. Where the hell did he come from?

"He's a nice kid." Dan replied, trudging down the stairs. "Plus, he reminds me of me"

"So are you going to let him get Natalie pregnant? Gabe joked

"He has sex with my daughter, i mess him up." Dan stopped.

He was turning into Diana, crazy. Talking to things that weren't there. "Now go away." Dan said, hurrying into the basement.

It was a cement room with boxes standing wall to wall. Mostly packed up boxes of Gabe's room, baby stuff. In the middle of the room sat the smashed music box. The wood was scattered across the floor and the little Ballerina that spun when the box was open was split in two on the floor. It was given to him by his Bubbeh when he was a child. He would watch the little dancer spin around and around for hours. He gave it to Diana when Gabe was born. When Gabe cried, Dan would wind the box up and would sit with gabe until he was asleep.

Dan smashed it out of pure anger and sadness. Anger that the shock therapy didn't work and sadness that he lost his wife again. She had stumbled upon the box when searching for more pictures to remember her life. She lost 19 years of memory due to the shock therapy.

"That music belonged to grandma right?" Gabe came from behind Dan.

"Yes" Dan's voice cracked. He was not going to cry here. No. He could fix the box later, he needed to fix himself first. He ignored Gabe and continued his search.

He grabbed the last thing out of a box. A tape. He had made it for her when he was about 20 as a birthday gift to her. He was so poor at the time, he had to make a cake at his mother's house. It was Kosher. Diana didn't like the cake, but she loved the tape. They listened to it constantly. He looked at it, written in sharpie on the cover was "for Di, the gal who makes me so happy." There was a folded note inside, but he didn't bother reading it. He threw it in the box.

"That's pretty much it." Dan said sighing, putting his hands on his hips.

He picked the box up and went back upstairs. Where was he going to put this? In a dump? No. Dan knew what to do.

He put the box in the trunk of his car. It was a damaged Honda, Diana kinda destroyed it when showing Natalie how to park it. He didn't have the time or money to ever fix it, so it had stayed that way for years. He backed out of the driveway, and went down the road. He didn't turn the radio on, he just sat in silence. Was he doing the right thing? Maybe. He wanted everything to go back to norm- well he didn't know what normal was. He wanted things to be not so crazy.

"I can't believe i'm saying this, but you're right for once"

Oh of COURSE Gabe decided to follow him.

"You can actually talk to me, we're alone and all Dad." Dan opened his mouth, he wanted something like "I'm not your dad" or "go away" to come out but nothing did.

"Well, thanks I guess. But I'm only talking to you this once, just for uh"

"Closure?"

"Yea, closure"

"I can live with that." Gabe shrugged.

He definitely got Dan's easy going attitude. Dan would never admit it but- He liked the way Diana made Gabe. He was flawed, but was a mix of both him and Di.

"So why did you have to do all that stuff?" Dan questioned.

"What?" Gabe replied blankly.

"Oh I don't know, ruining my marriage, trying to kill your mom, ruin a treatment that costed me thousands?"

"Oh" Gabe got quiet.

"You moved on so quick, mom wasn't ready to let go."

Dan felt his emotions chern inside him. He didn't move on. He was still broken. He repressed all his feelings. He was still broken after almost 20 years.

"I never moved on Gabe." He said coldly. He didn't look at him, just stared at the road. They didn't talk for the rest of the way.

It took about three hours to get where they were going. It was sunset when They pulled up along a cliff side. The cliff was covered in tall grass and tall daisies. He remembered taking Di here as some kind of date in college. Was it sunset or was it mid afternoon? It was chilly that day, He wore the sailboat tie that day apparently. Diana tried her first glass of wine-also then promptly spat it out.

The cliff overlooked the ocean that spanned across for miles. Miles of nothing but water. The wind was strong, Dan could hear the water crash on the cliff as he got out. He grabbed the box out of the trunk and walked to the cliff side. He felt a feeling go up his spine. Was he really about to do this? He felt sick, like his chest was twisting into this knot of anxiety. He couldn't breath almost. This was supposed to fix everything, but was it going to make it worse?

He reached into the box. It was a picture of him and Diana in College. They were at some kind of party that Diana dragged him to. He hated parties as a Teenager. It was cold season seeing he wore a jacket. Diana looked so happy, and he looked at her with loving eyes. Tears formed in his eyes. He grabbed another picture. It was their wedding. Di looked beautiful, and Dan looked rather silly, sporting a tight tux. It was rainy, Diana threw up before the wedding, and Dan freaked out in the bathroom. But even in the picture, they both looked so happy to be with each other. He whipped his face. He again went into the box. It was him, Diana, and Natalie at the painted desert. Natalie was a baby, and already was using her middle finger. Diana looked shocked and Dan was laughing. He looked so silly again. He had kakay shorts on with a purple button up and small squares, triangles and swirls scattered across it. He crushed the photo in his hand and threw it down. Finally, he reached into the box one more time. The mixtape. He opened it slowly, he unfolded the note. Diana wrote it when she was 20.

"Dan

You bring the best out of me, I love you forever and always.

Di"

Dan couldn't take it anymore. All these beautiful memories buried by pills, doctors, therapy, and ECT. He loved her. He might have still. But she didn't love him anymore, he didn't know when she stopped loving him, He didn't want to know when she stopped loving him. He looked over the cliff. Maybe the box didn't need to go over. Maybe HE needed to go over. Maybe all the pain was supposed to go away if he was the one diving into the darkness below. That's what Diana thought right? Throwing all these useless things over a cliff won't do anything, he had to go over the cliff. Diana wouldn't care, it'd just be a regular headline, "MAN THROWS SELF OFF CLIFF". Natalie would- Natalie. His pride and joy, his daughter, his rock. She was always there for him. He had to talk to her, he wanted to tell her.

Dan went into his car, and picked his phone up. He dialled Natalie. It ringed for what felt like forever.

"Hey dad" Dan almost broke down. This was the last time he'd talk to his daughter.

"Hey honey, I'm um sorry. For everything" Dan fought the tears back, he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"What does that mean?" Natalie was worried.

"For missing all those events, swim meets, Piano things, and just not being there. You were right to always be so mad at me."

"What are you getting to dad?"

"I don't" He had to pull himself together

"I'm not coming home. I'm nothing Natalie.

"Dad-" Natalie's voice broke.

"I've been holding emotions in for years Natalie, I let you suffer. I can't live with that."

"So you're going to what?!" Natalie was crying "Dad, I never meant" She paused. "You always were there for me, and when you weren't, I knew you wanted to be." Dan stood there, overlooking the cliff. The sun began to set.

"Dad?"

"I'm as broken Natalie. I've been broken, and I ran myself into the ground." He started to walk closer to the edge.

"I'm sorry Nat. I should have been there for you. I know you hate me for it, I get it. I- Hate myself for it too" He pulled the phone away from his ear

"Dad, what are you even saying!"

He ended the call, and tossed the phone aside. He walked to the cliffs end. Last words? No one was going to hear them anyways. He placed his hands at his sides and breathed in. The Sun sunk into the ocean. Stars seemed to pop up almost. All the pain was about to end, he knew it. All the doctor visits, the different pills wouldn't matter anymore.

"Is this it then?" He turned his head.

Gabe was leaning on the hood of the car, hands in pockets. His hair whipped around in the strong winds. Dan forgot he was there. He couldn't find the words to respond with. It was a 'yes' or 'no' question.

"I miss you Gabe, you know that right?" Dan said after a long time.

"What?" Gabe sounded surprised.

"What happened to me not being your son?"

"When you died, my world it fell apart. You were my son. I don't know if you are now what you were going to be, but I wish I could have watched you grow up like Diana got to see. "

Gabe was quite.

"I wanted to do the father son stuff, I wanted you to learn Hebrew like I did. I wanted to throw a ball around with you. I loved you, I had such high hopes."

"What about Natalie? Wasn't she everything you ever wanted?"

"Natalie is everything I ever wanted and more"

Dan gave a watery laugh.

"She's perfect. Musical, charming, sporty." He paused.

"But she's better off without me."

"You shouldn't do this." Gabe finally said.

"Why not? I'm going to turn out crazy" His arms fell from his side. He turned his head back to the ocean view.

"Natalie is just going to be sad forever because of me, I can't get rid of everything that has Diana written on it. I can't-"

"Get rid of me." Gabe finished. There was a long pause

"Yea" Dan finally said.

"I mean- I haven't been a great person. Diana- no everyone must think so little of me. I'm nothing."

Dan sat down. He heard feet push the grass aside, Gabe sat behind him and wrapped his arms around him.

"I think you're pretty great." Gabe admitted. Dan felt his whole body freeze. He didn't know what to say, he cried for the first time in 20 years. He cried for what felt like hours. Crying for his daughter who was most likely screaming at Henry, he cried for his son who could not cry for him when he died, and for his wife, the beautiful Diana. The women that made him feel like a man. He cried for everything that he could cry for.

"Dad." Gabe broke the silence.

"Gabe."

"You have to go to your family, you can't stay with me forever."

"You are my family."

Dan wiped his eyes.

"The family that needs you."

He got up from his spot. He looked to his phone. '20 missed calls from Natalie' was on screen before his phone ringed again. He picked it up, and answered.

"Nat" He said. He heard a noise of sadness and joy arise from her. She clearly cried as much as him.

"Dad don't you ever do that again!" She sobbed angrily.

"I won't. I mean-no. I won't do this again. He was most likely lying.

"Where are you?!"

"Somewhere, I'll be home by 8:00."

"Hurry up, ok?" Natalie sniffled.

"I promise." He paused. "I'm sorry, I could never leave you, I was just being stupid. "

"I love you daddy" Natalie broke down again. She hadn't called him daddy in years.

"See you at eight sweetheart" He hung up. He put his phone away and picked up the pictures, and note and the tape and placed it back in the box. The tape though, was tucked in his pocket. He went back over to the car and put the box in the trunk and slammed it. He looked over at Gabe, who was standing on the cliff edge.

"Hey! You coming or what?" Dan called out.

"No actually, I'm going to stay here." Dan was shocked.

"You sure?"

"I got what I needed." He didn't even look at Dan.

Dan blinked.

"Can you do me a favor?" Gabe called out.

"What?"

"Leave the box."

Dan was surprised. "Why?"

"Closure." Gabe shrugged.

"Oh" Dan reopened the trunk, and walked the box over to the cliff side.

"Thank You Dad." Gabe hugged his father. Dan felt satisfied.

"Wait, Can I throw Fifty Shades of Grey off the cliff?" Dan asked.

"Go for it I guess." Gabe pulled away.

Dan Grabbed the book from the Box. It was still in it's sleeve with the grey tie. Dan chucked it as far as he could over the cliff, watching it splash and sink into the water.

"That felt...good." Dan said with a nod. It was quiet.

"Gabe?" He turned around. He was alone.

"Huh." Gabe was gone. He shrugged, got into his car . Dan was going home. Home to his daughter and her stoner boyfriend, Empty pill bottles, and pictures of his ex-wife. He didn't know what would come next, but that was OK. He was OK. Everything felt OK for once.


End file.
